I'm sorry Sir, I'm afraid it's a great deal worse...

Men, we're serial moaners, we pretend we don't enjoy it but there's a little bit of us that loves to vent a little steam by detailing the extent of our misery every time something small goes wrong. We don't cry, crying solves nothing, it's not because - as the common misconception goes - we're afraid of crying. It's just wholly unsatisfying & implies we don't know what to do, and us men are confident in our ability to know how to do pretty much anything - you name it and we have an allen key of the appropriate size for the job somewhere ("give me a minute"). It's common for us to moan when ill, if you're female you won't understand this need because you will never have experienced the torment of "man flu", imagine your girly flu and times it by at least 20, that's man flu. It's like the difference between smelling some off milk and witnessing 2girls1cup for the first time... while your grandma peers over your shoulder. The two are not comparable, something I hope to have illustrated in that comparison.

But for all our winging & complaining don't ignore the plight of one illness, a condition that affects nearly all men at some point in their life, it can last for many years, is debilitating, emasculating & of yet there is no known cure. I'm talking of course about "The Friend Zone".

To better understand how the friend zone affects men worldwide we must first understand the source of infection, women. A maze of ever morphing lumps glands & emotions, the woman is a complex creature of which we understand very little. We begin our journey learning about the fairer sex as mere casual observers before being sucked in further and further by their strange glow, until finally, a mixture of curiosity and wonder leads us to pledge our lives to the study of these fascinating beings until we are fully trained. A fully trained male understands roughly 17% of what a females features are for and is able to perform some basic rudimentary functions on them providing he doesn't become over-excited. We learn to hold conversations that are of interest, steering away from common pitfalls such as the offside trap, the inner workings of an engine & why the first matrix is better than the subsequent two... in detail. We bolster our vocabulary with words we have no idea why we need to understand, such as "mauve", in order that you might think we're coherent & perhaps suitable company. Some high-achievers have even claimed to understand the emotions women are feeling merely by reading their body language & adjusting their own behavior to avoid further mistakes, although this is largely considered to by myth and thought of by most to be poppycock and big-headedry.

Still, after years of study, training & learning to inhibit automatic responses (e.g. Taylor's Illusion*) most males successfully navigate their way to their goal of being "a suitable mate" capable of talking to a female without coming across as creepy, incomprehensible or a complete bastard. At this point the male may enter the world of women as a near equal, worthy of recognition, mostly suitable, occasionally correct or humorous but seldom enough to make the heart melt.

*Taylor's Illusion - A misunderstanding that occurs when a woman explains an emotional problem, males must learn to inhibit their natural "fix" response and opt instead for an appropriate length of cuddle or alternative moral support. Over-application of this unnatural rule is the primary reason why DIY jobs around the house do not get done.

Young males at this stage have often already selected a potential partner, the image of which has remained with them throughout training on those long dark nights practicing how to hold a phone conversation consisting of full sentences, whilst remaining able to remember relevant details for use later. At this stage the young males may begin - as my dear grandmother refers to it - "courting" the females, and it works... all of our training was not in vain, "she's written "LOL" at least 15 times now in texts and has agreed to meet up with me at the park tomorrow". While the young male grows ever more confident, he is cautious, he knows that declaring his interest too soon may destroy his carefully laid plans. Eventually however, he puts into practice what he has been taught by his elders & takes the risk to declare his feelings whilst everyone else has gone to the sweetshop to by raspberry millions and litre bottles of Bing. He is awash with nerves, but she begins to smile as he explains he has something to tell her. With a sudden surge of confidence he leaps for his prize, heart pounding & mind racing he explains... surely... she's still smiling. At last, her lips part, "awwww" his face now a mixture of confusion and hope "that's so cute, but I think of you more as a brother".

Suddenly he's transported back to his worst memories, a place cold and alone, his face sinks, his fingers still trembling, A BROTHER? but I hate my sister he thinks (probably out loud). "Like the brother I wish I'd had" she shouts down to him from the top of the deep pit he now finds himself in, those four unscalable walls with only one exit marked "get over her" in bold lettering, "that's cool" he replies "You'll make a good sister".

After some time the young man will give up hope of rescue and take the exit, up the steps back into the world of the the living. His amour there once again but surrounded by a polished glass box with a small plinth at the top of the side her face sits behind, engraved with the words "Darren" or "Kevin" or whatever, I didn't learn his name, I never liked the prick anyway. He will remain friends with her as ever, watching from a distance, but they'll drift apart in time, it's inevitable, he must move on. She will remain a sister, a relationship that just like the conventional sibling relationship - with genetics & that - he had no choice in.

Scientists are still yet to understand what sequence of events lead to "The Friend Zone", it is presumably one of life's mysteries serving as a reminder that the universe is boss. In time males do - through a series of trials - learn to minimise the risk of landing in the friend zone. However even the most highly sought after males are still unaware of what they did in order to get to the girl they displayed an interest in, and are unwilling to risk it all in the name of science. As for the young man, he will learn to mock the friend zone, as we do with all things we don't fully understand. And he too will - in time - avoid the friend zone, make it to the other side successfully and for the first time be at peace with it.

The Noble Opponent
The Unsolvable Riddle
The Kick In The Nuts

I hate you friend zone, I hate you so very much... but I respect you.